The Journey Backwards
Been 8 years I had seriously blogged, and this time again its almost the same environment - Yanni's soothing "In the morning light" and the ambiance.
2500 KM, 8 days, 3 states, 1 UT
Through Roads, no-roads, Ghats, waterfalls, Jungle, villages, cities
Touching the village I was born
Meeting some wonderful people
Attending a friend's wedding
With an uncompromising confidence on my baby who took me places
back home, sweet home with my mind in peace. Living moments.
END - rest is very boring for you.
This post is not about my experience from the outside, but rather inside. The journey - the journey from one state of mind, one set of beliefs, one set of people, to a completely different state in all the above mentioned aspects. This journey was very important for me, in all aspects since it brought me back to where I was, before I wandered to a different state of existence. This may not be a really big one from many people's point of view, but for me this was a big transition. Enough of the boring talks, let me get to the actual agenda.
I am trying to categorise the whole experience into different phases. but can't get good flow, and hence putting down some basic ones
It was in 2010 when Praveen wanted me to accompany him to Goa for the rider Mania as a photographer. He had just got into Royal Enfield and was aggressively perusing his agenda. And one crazy rider he is - would simply take his bike and set off to any destination. I wasn't specifically a rider, but I like to experience all forms of life, to get the satisfaction of living those moments before my time is up. His passion for riding was amazing. He is one guy whom I could think of when I was in deep shit - a life changing motorcycle accident. One call and he was with me in 30 mins at 1:30 AM in the night, early early morning I mean. Can never forget such a friend. Well, he asked me to cover the rider mania event which was scheduled in Goa and was all organised my him. the plan was simple - Wake up in the morning and join him and his friend from Pune, then ride off till Goa with a stop in between. Simple, isn't it? but not that simple for me - around 480-500 KM was not that simple for me at all. When someone shared his experience of going on a ride/drive to Goa I used to have that expression - Woww.. you did that??? Wish I could too. I was only accustomed to 150 KM rides between Pune and Mumbai and thats the maximum I could go. But this was a little longer. Besides, I had never been away from my boy for even a singe day since he arrived home. So I had to really look for a motivating factor.
The day of ride - as usual, I got up late. Praveen and his friends had already crossed Satara by the time I called them. I had planned leaves and had all plans to join him, everything including camera gears were packed. Satara would be around 150 I guess, but then any further was something I was not sure of covering. He told me to start and join them somewhere near Harihareshwar(if I remember correctly). With a complete lack of confidence, a fear of going beyond 150Kms and above that there was the fear of bike breaking down or the tyre getting punctured. I cannot imagine pushing a bike which weighs 4 times more than my own weight. By the way, I never ever dreamt of riding an Enfield ever in my life. It was Rishab - an avid rider who encouraged me to buy one. I asked him many times if I could handle such a bike. Me, being a kind of guy whose thigh size is equivalent to size of riders's biceps was never sure if I could handle this one. Just before I made the payment I asked the dealer guy if I can handle this beast. He counter questioned me if I could handle a pulsar, to which I said yes, and he said that pulsar weighs 150 and bullet only 180 then it wouldn't be such a big deal. I assumed that he wanted to sell his product and now I realise I was wrong.
I was confused and was in dual mind if I should take up this ride. Had approved leaves and around 5 days in hand. What was more tempting was the idea of spending some blessed time with my boy, which actually meant that there was no confusion at all. The next thing I remember was picking up my bags, load it in the car and drive down to Mumbai, with my boy of course. Those 5 days were well spent.
3 years down the line life changed a lot. Situation changed, priorities changed and so did everything around. In between many incidents happened on the professional front and on the personal front too. 2013 was one of the most unexpected year I had faced in my entire life and some strange instinct always warned me about this. I am not superstitious as such, but feeling are feelings and sometimes they prove to be correct. The changes had a strange way of inducing fear deep within me and life seemed to be altogether different then. This year also gave me some amazing friends ( not mentioning all due to privacy concerns) who helped me sail thru in one way or the other.
Having nothing else to do that mattered in life I was looking out for opportunities to bring myself back into the equanimous state of life. Office, as always was the best place to begin with. Project schedule was getting tougher and mud sledging and politics was all one could feel at that time and some sadist people were always keen on screwing others' happiness to reach their managerial orgasm. And I was always one of the right candidate to experience their sadistic fantacies on, and I am kinda used to it. A little bit of spiritual information gathering always helped me to sooth the inflicted pain, so I was indifferent to any such attacks. Thats when I realised that this project had considerable number of Mallus (Devil's own people from the God's own country). Trust me, they are the most dangerous species on earth! I knew Sujith, a very reserved and limited interaction guy from my previous project and that's what it was. Then I was introduced to Binu, who in turn introduced me to Sreerag. I was petrified with the though of dealing with so many Mallus in just one project. All thru my professional life, it were and only were Mallus who had rained havoc on me and imagine 4 mallus. I though I was damned. It was just then that I got to know Binu more and realised how wonderful person he was, slowly I got to know Sreerag too and became good friends. Sujith, as the person he is, was always sweet, but we got to know each other more in 2013. Being a Mallu myself, I always found one Mallu who would do some crazy things, but in a safe way, a calculated move. Sreerag happened to be one of them. He wanted to drop his car in Kerala and was planning a drive from Pune to Kerala. I'll come to his strategies later.
Since 2010 - the time when my boy came into my life, I was used to car alone. Used to rarely go out without him other than to office. Traffic was so scary that taking him out was a nightmare with so many thoughts about his safety. Thats when I got used to car. Boy moved to Mumbai and I was very regular to Mumbai to meet him often, and thats when I had a wonderful company - a passionate driving enthusiast who started initial days of driving with Fiat adventurer. That's when the driving passion started gaining momentum. Slowly I started enjoying the drives, specially during the monsoons.
Everytime I used to take my car, I see my bike parked next to it feeling neglected. I was probably too insensitive during those days to the condition of what I had in my life, but this went way too far. Neglected for more than 3 years, a beast which was never meant to be left parked for more than a day. I agree that I am not a rider - more of a commuter, but this went way too far. Not even 300 Km in 3 years was pathetic by all standards, and it was like leaving the bike to die its own natural death. But it was not just the comfort of the car that made the difference. I realised that even if I wanted to I was not ready to ride down to Mumbai on my bike. That change of attitude left me thinking and then I realised that it was more than comfort - it was the fear. Suddenly this beast seemed to be more than difficult to handle or was it that I transformed to a less worthy individual who could no longer handle this beast.
Post monsoons my travel to Mumbai became more irregular and reason oriented. That's when I decided to take my bike out just to check my confidence. There were days when I used to ride to Mumbai in the morning and come back to Pune post lunch. But now things had changed, changed a lot. Somehow I built the mood (read confidence) to take the bike to Mumbai and set out one fine Saturday morning. It was a beautiful post monsoons morning and the ride was slow but smooth. Filled the tank full en-route on the Bangalore-Pune highway, checked the tyre pressure and set out towards NH4. Around 1 Km later I felt slight wobbling in the rear tyre. My heart sunk as a puncture was the last thing I would expect on such a beautiful morning. Stopped the bike and checked the tyre, found nothing wrong with it. Home was not far away from that location and it felt like an intelligent decision to get back home, park the bike and set out in the car, since there were 150 more KM to cover, which for obvious reason made me feel Mumbai to be Ladakh. I'll never forget that moment - that moment when I chose to move forward. It probably was a sign - for good or bad was to be known later.
Loneliness had started overshadowing me and my idle brain indeed was becoming a devil's workshop. Thoughts were going haywire and I was always looking for some methods to keep my thoughts and emotions under check. Joining art classes, busier days at office, spending time with friends, boozing, movies, all had its temporary effects, but I would again get back to the real self and the mind would wake up again. The beast sometimes becomes very uncontrollable and I was too weak to tame it at that point of time, neither did I want to do that any which ways.
Lonavala happens to be almost inbetween Pune and Mumbai, almost 60Kms from my home. Earlier RK in Lonavala used to be the first halt for tea and smoke which never took more than 1 hour to reach there, even with the slowest speed standards. Crossing the first toll booth at Talegaon gives the feeling of setting on sail, which I felt this time too. But this time reaching Kamshet seemed to be like almost reaching Lonavala, and the distance to Lonavala seemed to be like that for Mumbai. All these were reminding me of my first ride to Mumbai back in 2007.First it was my transition from Splendor to Bullet, and second was to ride that bullet which barely finished 500Km to Mumbai, that too after sunset, which I finished over a span of 6 hours, including the time taken for a wrong diversion and then coming back all the way to get to the correct route. Back then, that day after reaching Mumbai the sense of achievement that I felt was like having more than the normal number of testicles. But then everything else were fine in my life which included health too. The situation now was a bit different.
Travelling to Mumbai was fun when I had a company, which was almost always the case now and this gave me confidence when driving the car. I got pretty much used to not driving alone that I felt a bit uncomfortable being alone this time. Then there was a break, guess for almost a month as a result of office canteen food, and my nutrients de-filled diet which had started showing up their side effects. The never-ending arguments within the self, a brain that never shuts-up and projects a negative situation for every good idea that I get, health which was recovering with a treatment for B12 going to the extreme low, were all adding up together against me. Probably thats why I was feeling this ride to be so difficult.
Reached Lonavala, but preferred not to halt at RK. Plan was to pull as long as possible,as far as I can. Once Lonavala was over, the beautiful Khandala started to ease off my anxiety with its vastness and its beautiful views. The feeling I had watching the expressway, the twisted routes made me forget all the reasons for anxiety. Chill breeze blowing over my body, face to be precise had its own mesmerising effect. Thats when I decided to take a halt at Khandala at the flyover. Parked the bike and sat on it for a while to ease out a bit. Arm muscles were still hard due to holding the handlebar so tight for the last 90 mins. Another rider in full riding gears had probably seen me handle the bike and the spot where I took the halt made him slow down his classic and asked me if there was any issue. That unexpected offer of support proved to be a very warm experience. For a mind which was always expecting the unexpected and lives with the negative projections, this gesture had a stabilising impact. I realised then how important it is to offer help to fellow riders who get stuck in no man's land or a place where it was difficult to find a mechanic. I said I was just taking a break and thanked him. He smiled and zoomed off.
Finished my "always experimental" ice-cream fruit salad and set sail again. By this time I was slowly winning over most of my negative emotions. I didn't want to suppress any of my emotions or thoughts. Post my Vipassana experience, I started looking for a more peaceful and diplomatic approach to deal with my inner self. A transformation of my thought process was what I was trying to achieve. I cannot kill fear by force, which may lead to duality and the fear will still grow like rust deep somewhere - where I cannot see directly as I become blind with the coating of false confidence, instead, I had to show the inner self the outside world - the beautiful world which by all means is a better place to live and grow. Slowly, I was getting into a more understanding relationship with my inner buddy and we both seemed to be getting along well.
A couple of kilometers later I touched the expressway. That old excitment started creeping in. The speed of the bike automatically increased and I started enjoying the cruise. Expressway ended a few kilometers later and then I was back on the NH. Then a little ghat section and I reached Khopoli. I remember the first time I rode to Mumbai, this patch of the highway seemed to me like a never ending road. Around 30 Kms later in Rasayani village junction, there happens to be a tea-stall which used to be opened till late in the night. This was supposed to be my next halt. Straight roads with less civilisation was an easy ride and I reached the tea-stall after around 45 mins. Reaching here meant I've almost reached Mumbai since Panvel toll was just 7 Kms away which didn't seem to be too far. Once I crossed the toll, rest of the journey was comfortable and it felt like to be in the last lap. Panvel, Vashi, Chembur, Sion and then Vadala was to be the same route that had to be taken when travelling in a car and thus didn't make any difference in passing thru.
One reason for traveling that weekend to Mumbai was to check the sale of old books near my sister's office. These books were being sold according to their weight and that seemed to be very tempting offer. I hardly read any books, but I like to stuff my home with a lot of books and that is my secret for good sleep. All I've to do is to take a book and I wouldn't remember anything after that. The next day - Sunday I visited that place and bought a few kilos of books. This, along with a few tools were to be taken back to Pune the same evening. Had a light dinner and then set out for Pune with all the stuffs tied on my bike. With a little of the confidence back, riding in the night didn't seem to be a major exercise. The bike seemed to be a little sick as I was missing the earlier punch. Starting the bike too gave problems sometimes. I had ignored these problems since I had kind of lost the feel and sensitivity towards my bike being away from rding for a long time.
Around an hour later I reached Vashi. The flyover was relatively free of any traffic and as I crossed the first one, it started pouring heavily. I decided to stop under a road side tree and waited till the rain calmed down. The rain took some time to calm down, though it still kept drizzling for some time even after the heavier part of it slowed down. I decided to continue thinking that a few kilometers later there wouldn't be any trace of water on the road which is usually the case. Didn't want to waste any more time and I took my bike from its stand and pushed the kicker down to start the bike. Strangely, the kicker wouldn't budge and refused to go down. A few more attempts and I was confused with this peculiar problem - if it was with me or with the bike. A sudden though of being old, feeling weak and tiredness passed thru me. And then gathering all my strength I gave the kicker a push. And THAT was the moment - the moment I had always been scared of. My bike breaking down in the middle of the road. Almost a decade earlier I had witnessed a body builder dragging his broken down bullet on a flyover sweating like a pig. All I had was sympathies for him. But now I couldn't feel anything for myself since there was no back up plan for such a situation in my life. I cannot even imagine to push this beast for even 100 meters, let alone a kilometer on a flyover. I'd rather park my bike on the road side and sleep on it till I get some help.
It was past 9 PM and I called Deepak, who happens to be a Bullet mechanic near the place where I stay. Once I explained him the situation he suggested me to drag the bike to a nearby mechanic and ask him to replace the one-way clutch bearing or something like that. Nothing that he said actually got into my head for sure. I was still petrified with the though of dragging this bike to a nearby mechanic's place and all I could visualise was that scene of that body builder dragging his bike over the flyover. This was the time when my intelligence came into action ;-). I thought and thought and thought and thought more but I couldn't find any solution. Then there were 2 options in front of me - a) to drag the bike forward in the elevated direction which had a probable chance of finding some civilisation and hence a chance of finding a mechanic OR b) turn the bike and decend, to the direction where I couldn't see much movement. Well, I always believed on my intelligence but not in this kind of situation where I had no intentions of being another Schwarzenegger. So I turned by bike, mounted on it and started descending to the relatively calm place. It went on till the time gravity became insensitive to my situation. I got down and then started dragging my bike again towards the traffic signal.
The world is actually filled with nice and kind hearted people. I felt that when one guy who was standing on the road side talking to his friend came forward and asked me what happened. His name is Bunty. I explained him the problem and he tried to push the lever down. That's when I realised another fact - that the problem was not with me, but with the bike itself and that I was not weak. His friend - Suresh Nadar too came in support and both tried their best to kick start the bike. People started gathering around me and everyone became a mechanic or an automobile expert then. This is when one young bearded guy pushed himself thru the crowd and before I could say anything he took the bike with "I know everything" confidence and pulled the choke lever and tried to push the starter lever. That's when I realised that instead of the leg lever, the hand lever came down or off to be more precise - this guy plucked out the choke lever and said "Bhai saab, ye lo" and gave it in my hand. I had enough of my own problems at that time and I didn't think about this screwing help much then. That "choke-lever" puller guy vanished in the next 10 seconds.
Bunty operated the cab service there which helped people to commute between Mumbai and Pune. He was a Vashi resident and knew the place well. Suresh too was well aware of the surroundings. Suresh knew that there was a bullet mechanic somewhere nearby but wasn't sure about the location. Bunty offered to take his Tavera and search for a mechanic. He asked one of his guys to look after my bike and went ahead and entered Vashi. After roaming around a few circles inside they parked the cab and then took me to a place where 2 wheelers were worked upon. It was almost 10 PM and most of the shops were already closed and had a deserted feel. We walked thru the narrow lane and reached the end, to a small garage where one guy was working on a modified 500. Enters the hero - Thambi.
Thambi a.k.a Suresh a.k.a Anna is a Royal Enfield or as people generally call him "bullet" mechanic. He prefers to be called Thambi. He has been in Mumbai for more than a decade but his accent still reflects his Tamil origin. I explained him the problem and he said he will come and "tow" the bike and asked me to get back to my bike. It was already 22:00 hrs by then. I walked back to my bike and waited for Thambi to call or come. It got 22:45 but had no update from Thambi, so I called him to find out if he was still at his workshop. Finally Thambi came at around 23:00 hrs and he pushed my bike with his left leg and we reached his workshop after some time. On the way to his garage, Thambi shared his experience of riding down to his native place - Thirunelveli, and gave me some tips on what to carry and some do's and don'ts. Thambi was busy with Ron's bike. Ron - Ronald had a modified 500 which looked really cool with some real utility based modifications that made it a real cruiser. I sat down near him and we discussed a few things about bikes. Ron left a little after and I got talking with Thambi. It was probably after 18 years that I was talking to a Tamil speaking guy. I thought of utilising that opportunity to talk to him in Tamil and started conversing with him in Tamil. Though by all means one could make out that Thambi was comfortable speaking in Tamil, he preferred to reply me in Hindi. I continued speaking to him in Tamil and he stuck to Hindi. He was also correcting "my Tamil" in between. Just then I realised that I was really abusing Tamil by speaking in Tamil. He probably couldn't take that for long, and seemed offended with my "patched up" Tamil. I had forgotten a lot of Tamil and was injecting Mallu inbetween. Then after I started speaking to him in Hindi to not offend him. Afterall no one can see his mother tongue molested in such a way.
I must say that this guy was really really fast. In 15 mins he opened the cover and pulled out the "one-way clutch bearing" and showed me what had gone wrong. I felt more love for my bike since it never made me get stuck in a no man's land/road. The way Thambi worked on my bike made me feel that I had probably found the right mechanic for my bike. All was done by 00:15 and I preferred going back to my sister's place and leave for Pune the next day.
This particular experience was not worth mentioning in this post. What is worth mentioning is the fact that I realised a strange change in me. I did not panic even once in this whole episode though this was the first for me. That, I felt was very strange. Credit probably goes to all the people with whom I discuss mind related, consciousess, spiritual and psychological topics and more importantly I have to mention all those facebook pages that I was following at that time. Those inspiring, self help pages had worked on me and I was more stable and subtle. Sitting at Thambi's workshop, once I realised this, I thought of writing down my thoughts and this is what I wrote....
" One should not worry about his thoughts, no matter how dangerous it is. One should let it come and go. Just because some thought comes in your mind does not mean that it will shape your actions or character.
Feeling scared of the thought doesn't solve the problem, instead, just observe and let it pass by. Once it's gone you will realise that nothing has changed, everything is the same, and the anxiety that arose had no purpose. And probably, that anxiety would only hold on to that thought making your life more miserable.
I sometime wonder looking at the complexity of our brain and the way it functions. So many thoughts and so many complex emotions, all changing every minute, every second.
I was probably brought up in an environment in which considerable importance were given to materialistic things. Am sure am not alone in this. But the problem with such situation is that the individual always stays stuck to the mental state of being limited to 'owning' certain things. Materialistic things like his car, his bike, his so called 'valuable' stuffs at home that he may own, and more importantly the virtual things that he owns like phone's address book, the digital data and things like that. The point I am trying to make is the speed, the speed with which one grows in his life, not age or money wise, but the inner growth is always affected when one is stuck to this state of mind. The worst of being in this state of mind is that one gets addicted to the fear of losing what he owns, like the phone, losing which means losing all contacts, SMSes, data etc, also like relations, which if lost can lead to loneliness and lack of support etc etc. And I start wondering if it is really worth to worry so much about things that one never had in the first place?
I understand that the 'value' for things that was taught to me as a kid were because of the inability of my parents to afford another 'material' if the one I had was lost. But I guess it's time to unlearn those teachings, not because I can afford to buy same thing again at this point of time, but because I realise that as a child the habit I had - being detached and free from the fear of losing is way much better than being in a state of constant fear.?
I am writing these thoughts as I sit at a workshop where my bike is getting repaired at 23:00 hrs. It all began at around 20hrs when my bike refused to start after I took a break, after I ran into a heavy mumbai rain. Getting stuck over the flyover is very scary situation for me, since I've to be doubly sure about the directing of descend. I cannot afford to pull up the bike which is 4 times my body weight if the mechanic happens to be on the other end. Under normal circumstances I go nuts with unnecessary stress if I get stuck up in the middle of journey, but this time I chose to be normal and subtle. Thanks to my constant sharing of information and inspiring messages on Facebook that literally took over my thoughts and calmed me down. For not a moment I did worry about what would happen if my bike doesn't start, what will happen if I don't find a mechanic, what will happen if I have to push this lovely beast for kilometers if I don't find any help. Instead I called up my sister and told her about the situation and then continued pushing it. Out of no where, a person interrupts my body building exercise and offered help, like an angel out of nowhere. But then I realised that everyone is an angel in one or the other way, just that we need to see that Angel in them. This guy was a driver of a cab that operates between Mumbai and pune. after trying his best, he and is friend took me in their car in search of a mechanic and we found one who was about to close his garage once his last work got over. He told me that he will come and tow the bike to his garage, which he did and repaired my bike."
I was riding back to my sister's place by a little past midnight.
I was so happy while riding back to her place when I realised that I didn't take even a bit of stress all this time and that I was happy to have been able to control the urge to get stressed and screw things up. It may be a small thing for someone else, but is a big achievement for a person like me who have a hyper active mind which probably never sleeps. I am glad that I chose to be happy - I am aware of my thought process.
That change in me is the seed to this blog on what happened next.
Second part coming soon......
For the absolute impatient
2500 KM, 8 days, 3 states, 1 UT
Through Roads, no-roads, Ghats, waterfalls, Jungle, villages, cities
Touching the village I was born
Meeting some wonderful people
Attending a friend's wedding
With an uncompromising confidence on my baby who took me places
back home, sweet home with my mind in peace. Living moments.
END - rest is very boring for you.
For the impatient
Read only the non-italic texts.For nothing else to dos....
Sharing no longer seems to be a priority for me unless it's got some strong and motivating agenda, like my support for Modi and spreading awareness about the ill-happenings in my country. But since the elections are over, I've practically nothing to do on internet and thats when my mind started wandering again and my hands started to itch and here I am, back to my blogging mood - for good I hope.This post is not about my experience from the outside, but rather inside. The journey - the journey from one state of mind, one set of beliefs, one set of people, to a completely different state in all the above mentioned aspects. This journey was very important for me, in all aspects since it brought me back to where I was, before I wandered to a different state of existence. This may not be a really big one from many people's point of view, but for me this was a big transition. Enough of the boring talks, let me get to the actual agenda.
I am trying to categorise the whole experience into different phases. but can't get good flow, and hence putting down some basic ones
Existence
Life - the way it is, is very funny. Sometimes we think its under complete control but what we experience is a very different one. Nothing goes as planned. That's the reality. Every time we plan, we dream and we expect the life to take a shape or form is the time when almost exactly opposite happens. But that's the beauty of life, isn't it? Something like that happens all the time. The root causes are expectations and attachments - without which life would've been just great, but then whats the use of such a pathetic life? Shouldn't taking 'sanyas' be a better option? But thats very boring, spice less and goal-less. We humans have been conditioned to get addicted to a goal, a family life, to be a money making machine and above all value materialistic things and all the while living a life filled with dreams and imaginations. How can we easily get out of such an addiction? And why should we in the first place? This is definitely good. Atleast I am keeping my mind busy with something useless all the time and if I stop thinking I am dead. Or, am I?It was in 2010 when Praveen wanted me to accompany him to Goa for the rider Mania as a photographer. He had just got into Royal Enfield and was aggressively perusing his agenda. And one crazy rider he is - would simply take his bike and set off to any destination. I wasn't specifically a rider, but I like to experience all forms of life, to get the satisfaction of living those moments before my time is up. His passion for riding was amazing. He is one guy whom I could think of when I was in deep shit - a life changing motorcycle accident. One call and he was with me in 30 mins at 1:30 AM in the night, early early morning I mean. Can never forget such a friend. Well, he asked me to cover the rider mania event which was scheduled in Goa and was all organised my him. the plan was simple - Wake up in the morning and join him and his friend from Pune, then ride off till Goa with a stop in between. Simple, isn't it? but not that simple for me - around 480-500 KM was not that simple for me at all. When someone shared his experience of going on a ride/drive to Goa I used to have that expression - Woww.. you did that??? Wish I could too. I was only accustomed to 150 KM rides between Pune and Mumbai and thats the maximum I could go. But this was a little longer. Besides, I had never been away from my boy for even a singe day since he arrived home. So I had to really look for a motivating factor.
The day of ride - as usual, I got up late. Praveen and his friends had already crossed Satara by the time I called them. I had planned leaves and had all plans to join him, everything including camera gears were packed. Satara would be around 150 I guess, but then any further was something I was not sure of covering. He told me to start and join them somewhere near Harihareshwar(if I remember correctly). With a complete lack of confidence, a fear of going beyond 150Kms and above that there was the fear of bike breaking down or the tyre getting punctured. I cannot imagine pushing a bike which weighs 4 times more than my own weight. By the way, I never ever dreamt of riding an Enfield ever in my life. It was Rishab - an avid rider who encouraged me to buy one. I asked him many times if I could handle such a bike. Me, being a kind of guy whose thigh size is equivalent to size of riders's biceps was never sure if I could handle this one. Just before I made the payment I asked the dealer guy if I can handle this beast. He counter questioned me if I could handle a pulsar, to which I said yes, and he said that pulsar weighs 150 and bullet only 180 then it wouldn't be such a big deal. I assumed that he wanted to sell his product and now I realise I was wrong.
I was confused and was in dual mind if I should take up this ride. Had approved leaves and around 5 days in hand. What was more tempting was the idea of spending some blessed time with my boy, which actually meant that there was no confusion at all. The next thing I remember was picking up my bags, load it in the car and drive down to Mumbai, with my boy of course. Those 5 days were well spent.
3 years down the line life changed a lot. Situation changed, priorities changed and so did everything around. In between many incidents happened on the professional front and on the personal front too. 2013 was one of the most unexpected year I had faced in my entire life and some strange instinct always warned me about this. I am not superstitious as such, but feeling are feelings and sometimes they prove to be correct. The changes had a strange way of inducing fear deep within me and life seemed to be altogether different then. This year also gave me some amazing friends ( not mentioning all due to privacy concerns) who helped me sail thru in one way or the other.
Fear
As one gets settled in this predefined world, one slowly loses touch with the reality - the truth that nothing is permanent. One still hangs on to the old memories and want the same way of life it used to be. Its not easy to handle losses, specially when it involves the old and stable way of life. One is not ready to change. That brings in anxiety which later transforms into fear - the fear that kills the individual, almost, psychologically. This, in some way is the best time, time to build a new life or to perish with the fear. Either ways the fear dies in due course of time and one can always make a choice - to live, to die or to fight it and this post is all about that, to fight fear by doing what the "aam junta" feels is crazy from one's own definition of courage. Fighting fear is not always one's own initiative, sometimes the situation, people around all help in fighting the fear. A long and interesting conversation over a long drive with a good friend can give those wonderful defining moments that helps one to do what the one feels difficult. That transformation happens slowly which can only be realised at a much much later point of time.Having nothing else to do that mattered in life I was looking out for opportunities to bring myself back into the equanimous state of life. Office, as always was the best place to begin with. Project schedule was getting tougher and mud sledging and politics was all one could feel at that time and some sadist people were always keen on screwing others' happiness to reach their managerial orgasm. And I was always one of the right candidate to experience their sadistic fantacies on, and I am kinda used to it. A little bit of spiritual information gathering always helped me to sooth the inflicted pain, so I was indifferent to any such attacks. Thats when I realised that this project had considerable number of Mallus (Devil's own people from the God's own country). Trust me, they are the most dangerous species on earth! I knew Sujith, a very reserved and limited interaction guy from my previous project and that's what it was. Then I was introduced to Binu, who in turn introduced me to Sreerag. I was petrified with the though of dealing with so many Mallus in just one project. All thru my professional life, it were and only were Mallus who had rained havoc on me and imagine 4 mallus. I though I was damned. It was just then that I got to know Binu more and realised how wonderful person he was, slowly I got to know Sreerag too and became good friends. Sujith, as the person he is, was always sweet, but we got to know each other more in 2013. Being a Mallu myself, I always found one Mallu who would do some crazy things, but in a safe way, a calculated move. Sreerag happened to be one of them. He wanted to drop his car in Kerala and was planning a drive from Pune to Kerala. I'll come to his strategies later.
Since 2010 - the time when my boy came into my life, I was used to car alone. Used to rarely go out without him other than to office. Traffic was so scary that taking him out was a nightmare with so many thoughts about his safety. Thats when I got used to car. Boy moved to Mumbai and I was very regular to Mumbai to meet him often, and thats when I had a wonderful company - a passionate driving enthusiast who started initial days of driving with Fiat adventurer. That's when the driving passion started gaining momentum. Slowly I started enjoying the drives, specially during the monsoons.
Everytime I used to take my car, I see my bike parked next to it feeling neglected. I was probably too insensitive during those days to the condition of what I had in my life, but this went way too far. Neglected for more than 3 years, a beast which was never meant to be left parked for more than a day. I agree that I am not a rider - more of a commuter, but this went way too far. Not even 300 Km in 3 years was pathetic by all standards, and it was like leaving the bike to die its own natural death. But it was not just the comfort of the car that made the difference. I realised that even if I wanted to I was not ready to ride down to Mumbai on my bike. That change of attitude left me thinking and then I realised that it was more than comfort - it was the fear. Suddenly this beast seemed to be more than difficult to handle or was it that I transformed to a less worthy individual who could no longer handle this beast.
Post monsoons my travel to Mumbai became more irregular and reason oriented. That's when I decided to take my bike out just to check my confidence. There were days when I used to ride to Mumbai in the morning and come back to Pune post lunch. But now things had changed, changed a lot. Somehow I built the mood (read confidence) to take the bike to Mumbai and set out one fine Saturday morning. It was a beautiful post monsoons morning and the ride was slow but smooth. Filled the tank full en-route on the Bangalore-Pune highway, checked the tyre pressure and set out towards NH4. Around 1 Km later I felt slight wobbling in the rear tyre. My heart sunk as a puncture was the last thing I would expect on such a beautiful morning. Stopped the bike and checked the tyre, found nothing wrong with it. Home was not far away from that location and it felt like an intelligent decision to get back home, park the bike and set out in the car, since there were 150 more KM to cover, which for obvious reason made me feel Mumbai to be Ladakh. I'll never forget that moment - that moment when I chose to move forward. It probably was a sign - for good or bad was to be known later.
Loneliness had started overshadowing me and my idle brain indeed was becoming a devil's workshop. Thoughts were going haywire and I was always looking for some methods to keep my thoughts and emotions under check. Joining art classes, busier days at office, spending time with friends, boozing, movies, all had its temporary effects, but I would again get back to the real self and the mind would wake up again. The beast sometimes becomes very uncontrollable and I was too weak to tame it at that point of time, neither did I want to do that any which ways.
Lonavala happens to be almost inbetween Pune and Mumbai, almost 60Kms from my home. Earlier RK in Lonavala used to be the first halt for tea and smoke which never took more than 1 hour to reach there, even with the slowest speed standards. Crossing the first toll booth at Talegaon gives the feeling of setting on sail, which I felt this time too. But this time reaching Kamshet seemed to be like almost reaching Lonavala, and the distance to Lonavala seemed to be like that for Mumbai. All these were reminding me of my first ride to Mumbai back in 2007.First it was my transition from Splendor to Bullet, and second was to ride that bullet which barely finished 500Km to Mumbai, that too after sunset, which I finished over a span of 6 hours, including the time taken for a wrong diversion and then coming back all the way to get to the correct route. Back then, that day after reaching Mumbai the sense of achievement that I felt was like having more than the normal number of testicles. But then everything else were fine in my life which included health too. The situation now was a bit different.
Travelling to Mumbai was fun when I had a company, which was almost always the case now and this gave me confidence when driving the car. I got pretty much used to not driving alone that I felt a bit uncomfortable being alone this time. Then there was a break, guess for almost a month as a result of office canteen food, and my nutrients de-filled diet which had started showing up their side effects. The never-ending arguments within the self, a brain that never shuts-up and projects a negative situation for every good idea that I get, health which was recovering with a treatment for B12 going to the extreme low, were all adding up together against me. Probably thats why I was feeling this ride to be so difficult.
Reached Lonavala, but preferred not to halt at RK. Plan was to pull as long as possible,as far as I can. Once Lonavala was over, the beautiful Khandala started to ease off my anxiety with its vastness and its beautiful views. The feeling I had watching the expressway, the twisted routes made me forget all the reasons for anxiety. Chill breeze blowing over my body, face to be precise had its own mesmerising effect. Thats when I decided to take a halt at Khandala at the flyover. Parked the bike and sat on it for a while to ease out a bit. Arm muscles were still hard due to holding the handlebar so tight for the last 90 mins. Another rider in full riding gears had probably seen me handle the bike and the spot where I took the halt made him slow down his classic and asked me if there was any issue. That unexpected offer of support proved to be a very warm experience. For a mind which was always expecting the unexpected and lives with the negative projections, this gesture had a stabilising impact. I realised then how important it is to offer help to fellow riders who get stuck in no man's land or a place where it was difficult to find a mechanic. I said I was just taking a break and thanked him. He smiled and zoomed off.
Finished my "always experimental" ice-cream fruit salad and set sail again. By this time I was slowly winning over most of my negative emotions. I didn't want to suppress any of my emotions or thoughts. Post my Vipassana experience, I started looking for a more peaceful and diplomatic approach to deal with my inner self. A transformation of my thought process was what I was trying to achieve. I cannot kill fear by force, which may lead to duality and the fear will still grow like rust deep somewhere - where I cannot see directly as I become blind with the coating of false confidence, instead, I had to show the inner self the outside world - the beautiful world which by all means is a better place to live and grow. Slowly, I was getting into a more understanding relationship with my inner buddy and we both seemed to be getting along well.
A couple of kilometers later I touched the expressway. That old excitment started creeping in. The speed of the bike automatically increased and I started enjoying the cruise. Expressway ended a few kilometers later and then I was back on the NH. Then a little ghat section and I reached Khopoli. I remember the first time I rode to Mumbai, this patch of the highway seemed to me like a never ending road. Around 30 Kms later in Rasayani village junction, there happens to be a tea-stall which used to be opened till late in the night. This was supposed to be my next halt. Straight roads with less civilisation was an easy ride and I reached the tea-stall after around 45 mins. Reaching here meant I've almost reached Mumbai since Panvel toll was just 7 Kms away which didn't seem to be too far. Once I crossed the toll, rest of the journey was comfortable and it felt like to be in the last lap. Panvel, Vashi, Chembur, Sion and then Vadala was to be the same route that had to be taken when travelling in a car and thus didn't make any difference in passing thru.
One reason for traveling that weekend to Mumbai was to check the sale of old books near my sister's office. These books were being sold according to their weight and that seemed to be very tempting offer. I hardly read any books, but I like to stuff my home with a lot of books and that is my secret for good sleep. All I've to do is to take a book and I wouldn't remember anything after that. The next day - Sunday I visited that place and bought a few kilos of books. This, along with a few tools were to be taken back to Pune the same evening. Had a light dinner and then set out for Pune with all the stuffs tied on my bike. With a little of the confidence back, riding in the night didn't seem to be a major exercise. The bike seemed to be a little sick as I was missing the earlier punch. Starting the bike too gave problems sometimes. I had ignored these problems since I had kind of lost the feel and sensitivity towards my bike being away from rding for a long time.
Around an hour later I reached Vashi. The flyover was relatively free of any traffic and as I crossed the first one, it started pouring heavily. I decided to stop under a road side tree and waited till the rain calmed down. The rain took some time to calm down, though it still kept drizzling for some time even after the heavier part of it slowed down. I decided to continue thinking that a few kilometers later there wouldn't be any trace of water on the road which is usually the case. Didn't want to waste any more time and I took my bike from its stand and pushed the kicker down to start the bike. Strangely, the kicker wouldn't budge and refused to go down. A few more attempts and I was confused with this peculiar problem - if it was with me or with the bike. A sudden though of being old, feeling weak and tiredness passed thru me. And then gathering all my strength I gave the kicker a push. And THAT was the moment - the moment I had always been scared of. My bike breaking down in the middle of the road. Almost a decade earlier I had witnessed a body builder dragging his broken down bullet on a flyover sweating like a pig. All I had was sympathies for him. But now I couldn't feel anything for myself since there was no back up plan for such a situation in my life. I cannot even imagine to push this beast for even 100 meters, let alone a kilometer on a flyover. I'd rather park my bike on the road side and sleep on it till I get some help.
It was past 9 PM and I called Deepak, who happens to be a Bullet mechanic near the place where I stay. Once I explained him the situation he suggested me to drag the bike to a nearby mechanic and ask him to replace the one-way clutch bearing or something like that. Nothing that he said actually got into my head for sure. I was still petrified with the though of dragging this bike to a nearby mechanic's place and all I could visualise was that scene of that body builder dragging his bike over the flyover. This was the time when my intelligence came into action ;-). I thought and thought and thought and thought more but I couldn't find any solution. Then there were 2 options in front of me - a) to drag the bike forward in the elevated direction which had a probable chance of finding some civilisation and hence a chance of finding a mechanic OR b) turn the bike and decend, to the direction where I couldn't see much movement. Well, I always believed on my intelligence but not in this kind of situation where I had no intentions of being another Schwarzenegger. So I turned by bike, mounted on it and started descending to the relatively calm place. It went on till the time gravity became insensitive to my situation. I got down and then started dragging my bike again towards the traffic signal.
The world is actually filled with nice and kind hearted people. I felt that when one guy who was standing on the road side talking to his friend came forward and asked me what happened. His name is Bunty. I explained him the problem and he tried to push the lever down. That's when I realised another fact - that the problem was not with me, but with the bike itself and that I was not weak. His friend - Suresh Nadar too came in support and both tried their best to kick start the bike. People started gathering around me and everyone became a mechanic or an automobile expert then. This is when one young bearded guy pushed himself thru the crowd and before I could say anything he took the bike with "I know everything" confidence and pulled the choke lever and tried to push the starter lever. That's when I realised that instead of the leg lever, the hand lever came down or off to be more precise - this guy plucked out the choke lever and said "Bhai saab, ye lo" and gave it in my hand. I had enough of my own problems at that time and I didn't think about this screwing help much then. That "choke-lever" puller guy vanished in the next 10 seconds.
Bunty operated the cab service there which helped people to commute between Mumbai and Pune. He was a Vashi resident and knew the place well. Suresh too was well aware of the surroundings. Suresh knew that there was a bullet mechanic somewhere nearby but wasn't sure about the location. Bunty offered to take his Tavera and search for a mechanic. He asked one of his guys to look after my bike and went ahead and entered Vashi. After roaming around a few circles inside they parked the cab and then took me to a place where 2 wheelers were worked upon. It was almost 10 PM and most of the shops were already closed and had a deserted feel. We walked thru the narrow lane and reached the end, to a small garage where one guy was working on a modified 500. Enters the hero - Thambi.
Thambi a.k.a Suresh a.k.a Anna is a Royal Enfield or as people generally call him "bullet" mechanic. He prefers to be called Thambi. He has been in Mumbai for more than a decade but his accent still reflects his Tamil origin. I explained him the problem and he said he will come and "tow" the bike and asked me to get back to my bike. It was already 22:00 hrs by then. I walked back to my bike and waited for Thambi to call or come. It got 22:45 but had no update from Thambi, so I called him to find out if he was still at his workshop. Finally Thambi came at around 23:00 hrs and he pushed my bike with his left leg and we reached his workshop after some time. On the way to his garage, Thambi shared his experience of riding down to his native place - Thirunelveli, and gave me some tips on what to carry and some do's and don'ts. Thambi was busy with Ron's bike. Ron - Ronald had a modified 500 which looked really cool with some real utility based modifications that made it a real cruiser. I sat down near him and we discussed a few things about bikes. Ron left a little after and I got talking with Thambi. It was probably after 18 years that I was talking to a Tamil speaking guy. I thought of utilising that opportunity to talk to him in Tamil and started conversing with him in Tamil. Though by all means one could make out that Thambi was comfortable speaking in Tamil, he preferred to reply me in Hindi. I continued speaking to him in Tamil and he stuck to Hindi. He was also correcting "my Tamil" in between. Just then I realised that I was really abusing Tamil by speaking in Tamil. He probably couldn't take that for long, and seemed offended with my "patched up" Tamil. I had forgotten a lot of Tamil and was injecting Mallu inbetween. Then after I started speaking to him in Hindi to not offend him. Afterall no one can see his mother tongue molested in such a way.
I must say that this guy was really really fast. In 15 mins he opened the cover and pulled out the "one-way clutch bearing" and showed me what had gone wrong. I felt more love for my bike since it never made me get stuck in a no man's land/road. The way Thambi worked on my bike made me feel that I had probably found the right mechanic for my bike. All was done by 00:15 and I preferred going back to my sister's place and leave for Pune the next day.
This particular experience was not worth mentioning in this post. What is worth mentioning is the fact that I realised a strange change in me. I did not panic even once in this whole episode though this was the first for me. That, I felt was very strange. Credit probably goes to all the people with whom I discuss mind related, consciousess, spiritual and psychological topics and more importantly I have to mention all those facebook pages that I was following at that time. Those inspiring, self help pages had worked on me and I was more stable and subtle. Sitting at Thambi's workshop, once I realised this, I thought of writing down my thoughts and this is what I wrote....
" One should not worry about his thoughts, no matter how dangerous it is. One should let it come and go. Just because some thought comes in your mind does not mean that it will shape your actions or character.
Feeling scared of the thought doesn't solve the problem, instead, just observe and let it pass by. Once it's gone you will realise that nothing has changed, everything is the same, and the anxiety that arose had no purpose. And probably, that anxiety would only hold on to that thought making your life more miserable.
I sometime wonder looking at the complexity of our brain and the way it functions. So many thoughts and so many complex emotions, all changing every minute, every second.
I was probably brought up in an environment in which considerable importance were given to materialistic things. Am sure am not alone in this. But the problem with such situation is that the individual always stays stuck to the mental state of being limited to 'owning' certain things. Materialistic things like his car, his bike, his so called 'valuable' stuffs at home that he may own, and more importantly the virtual things that he owns like phone's address book, the digital data and things like that. The point I am trying to make is the speed, the speed with which one grows in his life, not age or money wise, but the inner growth is always affected when one is stuck to this state of mind. The worst of being in this state of mind is that one gets addicted to the fear of losing what he owns, like the phone, losing which means losing all contacts, SMSes, data etc, also like relations, which if lost can lead to loneliness and lack of support etc etc. And I start wondering if it is really worth to worry so much about things that one never had in the first place?
I understand that the 'value' for things that was taught to me as a kid were because of the inability of my parents to afford another 'material' if the one I had was lost. But I guess it's time to unlearn those teachings, not because I can afford to buy same thing again at this point of time, but because I realise that as a child the habit I had - being detached and free from the fear of losing is way much better than being in a state of constant fear.?
I am writing these thoughts as I sit at a workshop where my bike is getting repaired at 23:00 hrs. It all began at around 20hrs when my bike refused to start after I took a break, after I ran into a heavy mumbai rain. Getting stuck over the flyover is very scary situation for me, since I've to be doubly sure about the directing of descend. I cannot afford to pull up the bike which is 4 times my body weight if the mechanic happens to be on the other end. Under normal circumstances I go nuts with unnecessary stress if I get stuck up in the middle of journey, but this time I chose to be normal and subtle. Thanks to my constant sharing of information and inspiring messages on Facebook that literally took over my thoughts and calmed me down. For not a moment I did worry about what would happen if my bike doesn't start, what will happen if I don't find a mechanic, what will happen if I have to push this lovely beast for kilometers if I don't find any help. Instead I called up my sister and told her about the situation and then continued pushing it. Out of no where, a person interrupts my body building exercise and offered help, like an angel out of nowhere. But then I realised that everyone is an angel in one or the other way, just that we need to see that Angel in them. This guy was a driver of a cab that operates between Mumbai and pune. after trying his best, he and is friend took me in their car in search of a mechanic and we found one who was about to close his garage once his last work got over. He told me that he will come and tow the bike to his garage, which he did and repaired my bike."
I was riding back to my sister's place by a little past midnight.
I was so happy while riding back to her place when I realised that I didn't take even a bit of stress all this time and that I was happy to have been able to control the urge to get stressed and screw things up. It may be a small thing for someone else, but is a big achievement for a person like me who have a hyper active mind which probably never sleeps. I am glad that I chose to be happy - I am aware of my thought process.
That change in me is the seed to this blog on what happened next.
Second part coming soon......
