How not be a fool and also not try to become awesome
This post was triggered by an amazing poster that I recently saw on the internet with the following lines....
"If you grew up around toxic people, you might have a higher tolerance for toxic behaviour. You might not even notice signs of emotional abuse when they happen. But just because you're "trained" to be around toxic behaviour, does not mean you should put up with it. Get lear on your boundaries and commit to stopping the pattern." by Karen Salmansohn, NotSalmon.com
Those words triggered a thought process that went down my memory lane. Realised that some of those old experiences might be ingrained in our memory for such a long time that one might even not realise that one's current behaviour is the result of what they experienced during their childhood/teens or early days. People tend to not knowing their value, and thereby lose their standards during their existence at any point of time in their life.
There's nothing like being a fool or a jerk or a dick or awesome or amazing state for any human being. Being categorised among one of these is the result of the society's habit of branding based on the cultivated minds of the people. People choose other people to be around and become selective in their choices. That leads them to categorise the other individual among one of these which makes it easy to select the ones that are fit to be around or the ones who can be avoided. In such situations there are two individuals - one being the chooser and the other being the chosen. Equality is lost and so it becomes dis-balanced.
In any relationship, the most important factor that should exist is equality - in terms of respect, understanding, love, care, efforts, responsibilities etc. This balance is very important for a good relationship. Interpersonal relationship fails when the equality factor becomes unbalanced. There are 2 important human mental factors here - the mindset of giving and the mindset of receiving. When the relationship is perfect, there is either absolutely no giving and taking OR there is this equal giving and taking. But then why does relationships fail when the underlying fundamentals is so simple? The answer is perception.
Perception, as defined in the dictionary is "the ability to see, hear, or become aware of something through the senses". It's pretty simple. "see", "hear" or "become aware" and "through the senses". This is where it get very tricky. Let's compare the ways of expressing the emotions...
love - "saying" "I love you" OR "feeling the energy of love from the other person"
Respect - "Showing respect by standing up or wishing" OR "Feeling that respect without communication through the eyes or emotions"
Understanding - "Saying" "I understand" OR "Sensing that feeling of being understood"
Care - "telling" "I care for you" OR "Sensing" "Those subtle actions" or "emotions"
Responsibilities - "Telling and doing the work" OR "subtly finishing it"
It's evident that there are multiple ways for someone to perceive those emotions or actions, some seen or felt and some totally unseen or subtle. Unfortunately, human beings have evolved to the such an extent, or rather become ignorant to the extent that one cannot perceive the energies and can only go by actions or materialistic ways of expressing those emotions. One examples of this is giving gifts to the other person. Not being against the gift culture, but the point is to stress the fact that giving materialistic things have become the only way to express certain powerful emotions in the present day society. It doesn't matter what one has inside their mind, it doesn't matter what their intentions are, all that matters is a perception of being loved and cared when a materialistic thing comes into picture. Same goes with other emotions as well. The result is that what cannot be seen cannot be perceived either.
Now that we understand a little better about emotions, which is of course unseen, lets drill down a little further into the expectation part. Between two people there exists some transactions, which includes energies as well. Usually no two persons are the same. This means one may be a little more sensitive than the other or maybe that they be someone who prefers taking from the relation. That could be because of habit, conditioning or ignorance. When the energy transaction happens between two different types of people, mostly the flow happens in one direction. There could be a balance of that exchange when both of them gives the other different things in different forms, but we are not talking about that here. And the important thing is that unlike currency, the "object" what one perceives as precious may or may not be of equal value when perceived by the other. In other words, when something like that is given, the other may or may not value it or see it the way how the giver is seeing. One example that can be mentioned here is "time". The value of time is different for different people. For those who are busy, time is very valuable, but for those who are not busy, time is a relatively cheap entity. And then there are people who might be busy, but still take time out for the other person. But the person for whom the time was given, may not see that time as valuable, and in many cases such given time would be nuisance to the other person it is given to. In modern day world, handling such situation smartly is the key, but that is not natural, is it?
So who is a fool here? One who doesn't get the same value for what they are giving perceived as valuable. And who is awesome? Someone who gives something and that thing is valued higher. You see, perception is the key, and anyone who can manage such perception is a successful person. But managing that perception is not natural and most of the time, such people who can manage perception turns out to be manipulators. They may intentionally or unintentionally manipulate other people for their own benefit.
The summary is that one should value what one gives, and also realise the value of what they give to others as per the other's perspective. If one cannot do that, then it will, in most cases end up with disappointment. That disappointment will be because of expectations and the best way to avoid that disappointment is to stay detached. One can experiment this and see how it feels like. I've done this many times to see a) my capacity to give and b) to know my strength of detachment. But the most important factor that I always made sure is that when I do anything for anyone, I do it with full heart, with at most care and love, even if that incurs heart break. But my awareness helps me to quickly regain and see the perception of the other individual. It becomes easy for me to then analyse the other person's perception and way of thinking. Yes, it's a bit too complicated and sometimes one is not sure about the purpose of doing that, but it definitely help in self growth, all the while not hurting the other. This began as my journey for building karma in a selfless manner, which was near impossible for me in the beginning, but then slowly I started developing and getting the feel of giving more than taking.
Usually fools are the ones who may naturally be a nice person who is not selfish, or, as we see mostly around us, are the ones exposed to toxicity during their growing up phase. Being in such toxic environment, their self respect, self value are severely dented which they cannot recover from during their whole lifetime. Their need to be recognised will push them to just give the other the best of what they can and all these happens unknowingly to them, unaware in other words. They get into relationships in which they will feel abused later and then complain about their destiny and life. They are conditioned, or rather trained to handle more toxicity. Such people mostly live in heart breaks. And usually they get attached to awesome or amazing people, who again, have less value for what they get, maybe being ignorant, but undervalue what they get nevertheless. Like it or not, the world functions on this principle most of the time, where the energy is going the wrong way.
So am I a fool or awesome? well, I would be lying if I say that I didn't want to be awesome at some point of time in my life, but the truth is at this point of time I am neither. But but... here is the interesting part. I do let myself be a fool many times when my heart takes over my mind. My awareness goes a bit low, my mind teams up with my heart, emotions starts dancing and then my heart and mind has a party of that season. And where am I? Of course I am partying along with my heart and mind. And that party is known as love or being in love. This love is not necessarily the the romantic types, but include universal love. Love for a friend, love for a partner, love for a colleague, love for a family member or anyone or anything under the sun. But when the love ends, there's this hangover from that party. That hangover, my friends is because of attachment. So sometimes it is good to enjoy that party, but without attachments and now I don't feel that hangover since the last few years. Sometimes I do slip, but then, now I am well practiced to regain my awareness just in time.
Coming back to the question, I become the fool all the time when the party happens, then my brain stops that party when something goes wrong, then I become awesome and amazing and then I become neither of those. I become just me, detached and in my blissful solitude with myself.
Unfortunately, we all, or at least most of us, driven by our ego and over-self worth assumptions, do become awesome at some point of time in our lives. One such time is when we value our mother's time as nothing. Especially in the Indian social system, where the mother is usually a housewife, the children never bother to value her time and take all that she gives for granted. Heights of awesomeness. An interesting thing to be noticed is that "fool" are responsible for making normal people "awesome". Giving something, even love, too much without accountability backed by emotions could possibly be the reason to drive the ego in the taker and make them awesome. Which means that we are also responsible to keep the other person's awesomeness in check. Don't be the mother.
"If you grew up around toxic people, you might have a higher tolerance for toxic behaviour. You might not even notice signs of emotional abuse when they happen. But just because you're "trained" to be around toxic behaviour, does not mean you should put up with it. Get lear on your boundaries and commit to stopping the pattern." by Karen Salmansohn, NotSalmon.com
Those words triggered a thought process that went down my memory lane. Realised that some of those old experiences might be ingrained in our memory for such a long time that one might even not realise that one's current behaviour is the result of what they experienced during their childhood/teens or early days. People tend to not knowing their value, and thereby lose their standards during their existence at any point of time in their life.
There's nothing like being a fool or a jerk or a dick or awesome or amazing state for any human being. Being categorised among one of these is the result of the society's habit of branding based on the cultivated minds of the people. People choose other people to be around and become selective in their choices. That leads them to categorise the other individual among one of these which makes it easy to select the ones that are fit to be around or the ones who can be avoided. In such situations there are two individuals - one being the chooser and the other being the chosen. Equality is lost and so it becomes dis-balanced.
In any relationship, the most important factor that should exist is equality - in terms of respect, understanding, love, care, efforts, responsibilities etc. This balance is very important for a good relationship. Interpersonal relationship fails when the equality factor becomes unbalanced. There are 2 important human mental factors here - the mindset of giving and the mindset of receiving. When the relationship is perfect, there is either absolutely no giving and taking OR there is this equal giving and taking. But then why does relationships fail when the underlying fundamentals is so simple? The answer is perception.
Perception, as defined in the dictionary is "the ability to see, hear, or become aware of something through the senses". It's pretty simple. "see", "hear" or "become aware" and "through the senses". This is where it get very tricky. Let's compare the ways of expressing the emotions...
love - "saying" "I love you" OR "feeling the energy of love from the other person"
Respect - "Showing respect by standing up or wishing" OR "Feeling that respect without communication through the eyes or emotions"
Understanding - "Saying" "I understand" OR "Sensing that feeling of being understood"
Care - "telling" "I care for you" OR "Sensing" "Those subtle actions" or "emotions"
Responsibilities - "Telling and doing the work" OR "subtly finishing it"
It's evident that there are multiple ways for someone to perceive those emotions or actions, some seen or felt and some totally unseen or subtle. Unfortunately, human beings have evolved to the such an extent, or rather become ignorant to the extent that one cannot perceive the energies and can only go by actions or materialistic ways of expressing those emotions. One examples of this is giving gifts to the other person. Not being against the gift culture, but the point is to stress the fact that giving materialistic things have become the only way to express certain powerful emotions in the present day society. It doesn't matter what one has inside their mind, it doesn't matter what their intentions are, all that matters is a perception of being loved and cared when a materialistic thing comes into picture. Same goes with other emotions as well. The result is that what cannot be seen cannot be perceived either.
Now that we understand a little better about emotions, which is of course unseen, lets drill down a little further into the expectation part. Between two people there exists some transactions, which includes energies as well. Usually no two persons are the same. This means one may be a little more sensitive than the other or maybe that they be someone who prefers taking from the relation. That could be because of habit, conditioning or ignorance. When the energy transaction happens between two different types of people, mostly the flow happens in one direction. There could be a balance of that exchange when both of them gives the other different things in different forms, but we are not talking about that here. And the important thing is that unlike currency, the "object" what one perceives as precious may or may not be of equal value when perceived by the other. In other words, when something like that is given, the other may or may not value it or see it the way how the giver is seeing. One example that can be mentioned here is "time". The value of time is different for different people. For those who are busy, time is very valuable, but for those who are not busy, time is a relatively cheap entity. And then there are people who might be busy, but still take time out for the other person. But the person for whom the time was given, may not see that time as valuable, and in many cases such given time would be nuisance to the other person it is given to. In modern day world, handling such situation smartly is the key, but that is not natural, is it?
So who is a fool here? One who doesn't get the same value for what they are giving perceived as valuable. And who is awesome? Someone who gives something and that thing is valued higher. You see, perception is the key, and anyone who can manage such perception is a successful person. But managing that perception is not natural and most of the time, such people who can manage perception turns out to be manipulators. They may intentionally or unintentionally manipulate other people for their own benefit.
The summary is that one should value what one gives, and also realise the value of what they give to others as per the other's perspective. If one cannot do that, then it will, in most cases end up with disappointment. That disappointment will be because of expectations and the best way to avoid that disappointment is to stay detached. One can experiment this and see how it feels like. I've done this many times to see a) my capacity to give and b) to know my strength of detachment. But the most important factor that I always made sure is that when I do anything for anyone, I do it with full heart, with at most care and love, even if that incurs heart break. But my awareness helps me to quickly regain and see the perception of the other individual. It becomes easy for me to then analyse the other person's perception and way of thinking. Yes, it's a bit too complicated and sometimes one is not sure about the purpose of doing that, but it definitely help in self growth, all the while not hurting the other. This began as my journey for building karma in a selfless manner, which was near impossible for me in the beginning, but then slowly I started developing and getting the feel of giving more than taking.
Usually fools are the ones who may naturally be a nice person who is not selfish, or, as we see mostly around us, are the ones exposed to toxicity during their growing up phase. Being in such toxic environment, their self respect, self value are severely dented which they cannot recover from during their whole lifetime. Their need to be recognised will push them to just give the other the best of what they can and all these happens unknowingly to them, unaware in other words. They get into relationships in which they will feel abused later and then complain about their destiny and life. They are conditioned, or rather trained to handle more toxicity. Such people mostly live in heart breaks. And usually they get attached to awesome or amazing people, who again, have less value for what they get, maybe being ignorant, but undervalue what they get nevertheless. Like it or not, the world functions on this principle most of the time, where the energy is going the wrong way.
So am I a fool or awesome? well, I would be lying if I say that I didn't want to be awesome at some point of time in my life, but the truth is at this point of time I am neither. But but... here is the interesting part. I do let myself be a fool many times when my heart takes over my mind. My awareness goes a bit low, my mind teams up with my heart, emotions starts dancing and then my heart and mind has a party of that season. And where am I? Of course I am partying along with my heart and mind. And that party is known as love or being in love. This love is not necessarily the the romantic types, but include universal love. Love for a friend, love for a partner, love for a colleague, love for a family member or anyone or anything under the sun. But when the love ends, there's this hangover from that party. That hangover, my friends is because of attachment. So sometimes it is good to enjoy that party, but without attachments and now I don't feel that hangover since the last few years. Sometimes I do slip, but then, now I am well practiced to regain my awareness just in time.
Coming back to the question, I become the fool all the time when the party happens, then my brain stops that party when something goes wrong, then I become awesome and amazing and then I become neither of those. I become just me, detached and in my blissful solitude with myself.
Unfortunately, we all, or at least most of us, driven by our ego and over-self worth assumptions, do become awesome at some point of time in our lives. One such time is when we value our mother's time as nothing. Especially in the Indian social system, where the mother is usually a housewife, the children never bother to value her time and take all that she gives for granted. Heights of awesomeness. An interesting thing to be noticed is that "fool" are responsible for making normal people "awesome". Giving something, even love, too much without accountability backed by emotions could possibly be the reason to drive the ego in the taker and make them awesome. Which means that we are also responsible to keep the other person's awesomeness in check. Don't be the mother.
