The dialog within that starts when everything around goes silent
On the third day of Vipassana, sitting inside the 6 * 3 feet Shoonya kaksh , trying hard to meditate, to move into the state of physical and mental noble silence, the inner dialogues were only getting more and more louder. Noble silence was perfect physically, but the mental side declined to accept that state and seemed to be much agitated, unlike the last time when I attended Vipassana back in Dec – 2012. Some excerpts from that conversation as much as could be recollected. m is the meditator, and everyone knows the other one, or you’ll know.
I : Wish I could get that one person to whom I can give all my love, pour all of it into.
m : You had someone earlier, isn't it? In fact you had a few more to love as can be recollected?
I : Yes, and no probably, but none worked.
m : why?
I : Because I felt they didn't appreciate my love. Some just couldn't understand why I was in love with them and thought that I had selfish interests while others took me for granted.
m : Ahh.... I hear that you want someone to love who will acknowledge your love and/or not take you for granted in return? And I also see there’s a change from the last time when the wish was for someone to love you
I : We all evolve.
m : So what triggered that evolution?
I : I am not selfish now
m : Really? So that’s why you want to give love instead of asking for it?
I : Yes. I realise that that’s the best way to emotionally connect with someone.
m : Impress me!
I : When I was asking for love, I was being selfish thinking only about myself. But when I love someone, I am being the giver, by just giving love without getting it first from the other person.
m : Is that a compromise, since you didn’t get the love you wanted?
I : Could be , but there’s a positive change in my intention as well.
m : Not convinced yet.
I : Why?
m : Because you can’t give anything without expecting anything in return!
I : THAT WAS RUDE.... How can you say that? I don’t think you know much about me. Who are you? Have me met earlier?
m : (Smiles), Good question. About meeting, the answer is yes and no.
I : I don’t think I understand that right.
m : (smiles)
I : This is getting creepy. You seem to be very familiar. Almost like me. I am getting a strange feeling of being an alien here. Who am I then?
m : Now you are talking. You are the EGO. You are, and you are not this.
I : If I am the ego, who are you?
m : I am the existence itself.
I : This is getting complicated.
m : By existence I mean this body, mind, spirit, consciousness, subconsciousness, and perception of everything and much more.
I : Then what and where am I in this whole system?
m : You are the creation from this existence. You were born in this lifetime. I’ve been through multiple lives and timelines. You are the result of conditioning of this physical birth, since this physical birth, bit by bit, pieces by pieces. You are a layered existence, created and shaped from all your experiences, every emotions, every desires, imaginations, fantasies and more. You exists, but you still don't and you are mostly moulded. And you cease to exists beyond this lifetime, when this physical body dies, in this time and plane.
I : Why didn't we meet earlier if I am that small and you so big,?
m : Not your mistake. The world you are in is very complex or perceived as one. There are so many experiences that one goes through every day and every moment that it's pretty much difficult to get this kind of opportunity. And now that you don’t have any distractions like your mobile phone, internet, whatsapp, facebook , people to talk to or a place to play with your hobbies, and adding to that is the fact that you are struggling hard to focus yourself into meditation, you started desperately looking for some comfort or some opportunity to keep yourself busy and that's when you heard my reply. I've been around for a very long time, in fact always, but you could never be in a situation this calm to hear or feel me.
I : This is a new dimension for me. I am unable to comprehend you or your existence for now. I can only feel the conversation happening and being a part of it, but can't see or perceive it in any other form. And I am getting a feel that you know pretty much about me.
m : More than you can imagine. I have been there since your birth, since the time you started taking form. Since the time the I started getting formed in you and you started identifying yourself with it, or rather mis-identifying this existence with it.
I : I would like to know more about myself than getting intimidated from this conversation. Still having difficulty in perceiving it.
m : Not to worry so much. Just accept things as it is for now. Things will settle down sooner or later. But let's address your concern first.
I : About love?
m : Yes.. the question still remains - Why do you want someone to pour your love to?
I : I feel that there's a lot of love accumulated inside me and I need to share that with someone who is worthy of my love.
m : So let me get to this straight - you are looking for someone worthy of your love. Is there a trade involved in your love, which means expectation?
I : No.. Or... maybe a little, yes.
m : And what could be that expectation?
I : Have to think.. That question never came to me earlier.... Maybe that the person stays with me, by my side.
m : But how could you control someone's desire or wish to stay at some place? Like making someone stay with you?
I : It's not control, but just a wish.
m : And disappointment creeps in when the expectations are not met. And the mistake keeps happening over and again. Remember the previous disasters?
I : But then what's the solution?
m : Define the purpose.
I : Guess it's the sense of comfort and security.
m : Anything more?
I : Can't see.
m : What do you intend to do when you find that someone you can pour all your love on?
I : Care for that person.
m : Go on.....
I : Try to make that person happier, a better human.
m : What makes you think that the person you'll find is not happy or is not a better human? And that you can add value in that person's life?
I : Everyone is in need of love, isn't it? Why wouldn't someone want more love? Even otherwise, wouldn't even a little love make someone happier?
m : Are you seeing your reflection in others?
I : Where is this going?
m : When was the last time you checked about yourself?
I : Can't remember!
m : So you are in need of love.
I : Maybe yes. But how is my need for love related to giving love to someone?
m : Totally related. It's just that you've been busy not to see that connect.
I : I still can't get the connection.
m : Let's assume that you find that one person who is in need of love. Why do you think that person might need love?
I : Could be many reasons. Most important is to feel good, or maybe to heal.
m : How do you think that your love can heal that person?
I : Would run my fingers along the cracks of the person's soul and pour love into it and heal their wound.
m : And what would happen when their wounds are healed? I don't think EGO would do anything for free. There must be something that you must be expecting.
I : ........
m : Think hard.
I : Well, I would get healed in return, isn't that how karma works? I get back what I give?
m : Not really. Karma works on intentions too. Don't skip that factor. Besides, one should not ignore the fact that every individual is unique in the choices they make.
I : So you mean to say that I need to set the intentions right before loving someone? Intentions those are not supposed to expect anything in return?
m : Things doesn’t relate, isn’t it?
I : Yes, because I am not getting convinced that my efforts makes any sense now.
m : (smiles) That’s because you are THE ego. You wouldn’t do anything without getting something in return that will add to you. It’s that simple.
I : Does that mean that I cannot be a good person? That I cannot do anything selflessly?
m : You could try. But let me tell you that there’s nothing “selfless” in you.
I : So what is it that I am looking for then?
m : Good question. But your question indicates that you already know the answer.
I : I’ll not get confused any more.
m : You are looking for what you want to give. The currency is love.
I : Yes, I had mentioned that earlier itself.
m : But didn’t you mention earlier that you had too much of love?
I : Yes, and that’s why I was looking for someone to give that love.
m : You are still not getting it.
I : You mean I already have the love in me and so I don’t have to love anyone?
m : Not really. Love is to be given, so give it. But don’t do any trade using it.
I : But how do I use it for myself?
m : You know that, but weren’t conditioned to do it. How were you intending to use your love in others?
I : To heal them
m : Do that with yourself. When your choice is someone other than you, they maybe your choice but you may not be their’s, which is fair. What if your expectations and their choices don't match? Wouldn't you be left wanting for love.
I : That's a risk worth taking.
m : How many times? how long? I guess ego gets addicted to the process than finding the solution itself. Why complicate things so much?
I : The path is not that long, neither the process is that complicated.
m : The problem with EGO is ego itself. Having so much information, and absolutely no wisdom leads to such a situation. ego makes EGO think that it knows everything, but in reality that's an illusion.
I : Show me the path then
m : What you were seeing is not the other person, but a reflection of yourself. The cracks you were referring to was not in the other person, but in you, yourself. And you've been roaming around for so many years trying to find love to fill those cracks, to heal yourself. But that never happened. You thought the other person was healing you, but in reality the other person was only living their own life, which is again, fair thing to do from their point of view, because they own their life and don't owe you anything. But you spent your time on others. And many times you were left with more number of cracks. And then you started looking for love from others to heal your additional cracks as well. How long do you think that this will go on?
I : What makes you think that you know so much about me? And what makes you think that you are correct with your observation?
m : The cracks that you are left with are from all your traumas, abuses, heartbreaks and many other pain induced since your childhood. I was there when you faced your first physical and verbal abuse. I've been witnessing everything even before the time your memory started developing or you started taking shape. You have no idea what and all you have gone through. While growing up the ego will make the EGO not accept the truth about everything that happened in your life that left you with unpleasant experiences, but in reality they still exists. You need to heal. And you cannot expect other's to heal you. Humans, in modern day lifestyle are programmed to look in others to heal them. It doesn't work like that and that is why there are so many people who are unhappy.
I : Maybe you are right. But then what is the solution?
m : Self love
I : That sounds very nice, but doesn't feel great. Sounds like masturbation
m : That's a very disgusting analogy. One is essential but the other is greed for pleasure arising from lust. Both cannot be compared because one is emotion while the other is an act. One brings you back to normal and stabilises you while the other might leave you with more desires.
I : Accepted. But then how do I do that?
m : What were you planning to do with the other person?
I : Find and heal the cracks.
m : Do that with yourself.
I : It's not that easy.
m : Slow down your life, spend more time with yourself. Give yourself more preference than others, but in a positive way, without a feeling of being superior, being above others. When you slow down, when you avoid further distractions, you’ll slowly see all the cracks in yourself and then address them. Will accept them as souvenirs than marks of pain. And then you’ll pour your love in that and heal yourself. The more you heal, the less you’ll want someone else to do that for you. And one day you will no longer need anyone to heal you.
I : Does that mean that I will not prefer being with anyone? That I’ll live all alone after that?
m : Never said that. Alone is by choice, and should be that way
I : But wouldn’t being with someone make me happy?
m : Like mentioned earlier, it should be by choice and not by compulsion.
I : But when I am complete, then there is no reason of being with someone.
m : That is when the filled in love you have comes in picture.
I : Which means I can give love without expecting anything in return? Without expecting that the other person will love me back. And that even if the other person hurts me or abandons me later, I’ll not feel bad? And how is that possible that I wouldn’t get hurt when someone responds to me like that?
m : That is the whole point. Your existence. Your existence in this form itself is not right. You were created as a survival mechanism in the “intelligent” beings in a world full of perceived emotional threats and you help a soul or existence to survive. You evolve along the journey to keep the existence intact in the competition. But the problem happens when you take over the existence itself and believe that you are the only one and create an image about this existence with such importance that it become difficult to you yourself to handle. Then starts the miseries in the mental world which becomes a threat to the existence itself. In nutshell, you are only a tool created by the existence and you are not the creator.
I : Then why do I exists?
m : Like mentioned earlier, to survive the threats.
I : Which means I am not of any value.
m : Can’t say that. Nothing in this world is without any purpose.
I : Then why the negative perception about me?
m :Because of the imbalance created sometimes in the relations.
I : Like.....?
m : You have the potential to destroy a healthy relation. You can bring in catastrophe if unchecked. You can destroy civilisations as proved by many in human history. You can make a man mad with his self image and you can destroy the peace in a woman and make her just the opposite of what she is supposed to be. When your image in not matched with suitable response, you go wild and crave to regain your importance and even when you are in a group of peaceful people, you could potentially deviate from the track and try to take the control.
I : Won’t deny that, but there are times when I check on myself, to not hurt others or to not create bad karma.
m : That is because of your superego, which was conditioned to fear or respect certain things and you become subtle because of that. You could behave like a demon if there weren’t any check like that.
I : Then where are you in all these?
m : The existence itself. I come forward when you vanish. Meditation is also a part of the entire process. Meditation peels you off and make you nothing, or at least to the least effective extent. But as long as the karma of this existence wants this one to be in the system, you’ll also exists. You could cease to exist before this life’s physical death when there will be no need to exists among too many other souls, but right now you are a necessity.
I : A necessary evil?
m : Who said you are evil? Good and evil are extremes defined by the society, the same one which created you, shaped you. There is nothing good or bad for this one. They may exist for you though, as long as you exists or as long as you want to be seen as sane in the society that you are in.
I : So, self love, is it?
m : Yes. Heal. And you must, for your own happiness, and also for this one to reduce the karma accumulation for future life times. We need to work together. This realisation in you is the beginning of this collaboration. Once this begins, you’ll not accumulate any more layers, and possibly shrink too, as the layers will come off with time. When that baggage reduces, that is the phase of time what you refer as happiness, which is a pitfall if you could see it that way. But your presence will be better.
I : Am I associated only with senses?
m : It has become part of your existence. And you can’t feel your existence without such emotions and cravings.
I : So what if I vanish?
m : Then this existence becomes pure love. The judgements are gone, difference between sanity and insanity will no longer exists, and so will the difference between good and bad. That’s when this existence become God or close to god. But that’s not so easy. And this journey is towards that.
I : Back to meditation?
m : Yes, for the balance for the time being. You can’t vanish for now as there are still some traces of enjoying the worldly pleasures and indulging in sins as defined by the society. And there are more karmas to be cleared, which needs to be cleared sooner. And you’ll do that since you are the Ego and even clearing the karmas too is the desire of Ego. The desire to become good is also a DESIRE of the Ego. :)
I : Breathe !!!
I : Wish I could get that one person to whom I can give all my love, pour all of it into.
m : You had someone earlier, isn't it? In fact you had a few more to love as can be recollected?
I : Yes, and no probably, but none worked.
m : why?
I : Because I felt they didn't appreciate my love. Some just couldn't understand why I was in love with them and thought that I had selfish interests while others took me for granted.
m : Ahh.... I hear that you want someone to love who will acknowledge your love and/or not take you for granted in return? And I also see there’s a change from the last time when the wish was for someone to love you
I : We all evolve.
m : So what triggered that evolution?
I : I am not selfish now
m : Really? So that’s why you want to give love instead of asking for it?
I : Yes. I realise that that’s the best way to emotionally connect with someone.
m : Impress me!
I : When I was asking for love, I was being selfish thinking only about myself. But when I love someone, I am being the giver, by just giving love without getting it first from the other person.
m : Is that a compromise, since you didn’t get the love you wanted?
I : Could be , but there’s a positive change in my intention as well.
m : Not convinced yet.
I : Why?
m : Because you can’t give anything without expecting anything in return!
I : THAT WAS RUDE.... How can you say that? I don’t think you know much about me. Who are you? Have me met earlier?
m : (Smiles), Good question. About meeting, the answer is yes and no.
I : I don’t think I understand that right.
m : (smiles)
I : This is getting creepy. You seem to be very familiar. Almost like me. I am getting a strange feeling of being an alien here. Who am I then?
m : Now you are talking. You are the EGO. You are, and you are not this.
I : If I am the ego, who are you?
m : I am the existence itself.
I : This is getting complicated.
m : By existence I mean this body, mind, spirit, consciousness, subconsciousness, and perception of everything and much more.
I : Then what and where am I in this whole system?
m : You are the creation from this existence. You were born in this lifetime. I’ve been through multiple lives and timelines. You are the result of conditioning of this physical birth, since this physical birth, bit by bit, pieces by pieces. You are a layered existence, created and shaped from all your experiences, every emotions, every desires, imaginations, fantasies and more. You exists, but you still don't and you are mostly moulded. And you cease to exists beyond this lifetime, when this physical body dies, in this time and plane.
I : Why didn't we meet earlier if I am that small and you so big,?
m : Not your mistake. The world you are in is very complex or perceived as one. There are so many experiences that one goes through every day and every moment that it's pretty much difficult to get this kind of opportunity. And now that you don’t have any distractions like your mobile phone, internet, whatsapp, facebook , people to talk to or a place to play with your hobbies, and adding to that is the fact that you are struggling hard to focus yourself into meditation, you started desperately looking for some comfort or some opportunity to keep yourself busy and that's when you heard my reply. I've been around for a very long time, in fact always, but you could never be in a situation this calm to hear or feel me.
I : This is a new dimension for me. I am unable to comprehend you or your existence for now. I can only feel the conversation happening and being a part of it, but can't see or perceive it in any other form. And I am getting a feel that you know pretty much about me.
m : More than you can imagine. I have been there since your birth, since the time you started taking form. Since the time the I started getting formed in you and you started identifying yourself with it, or rather mis-identifying this existence with it.
I : I would like to know more about myself than getting intimidated from this conversation. Still having difficulty in perceiving it.
m : Not to worry so much. Just accept things as it is for now. Things will settle down sooner or later. But let's address your concern first.
I : About love?
m : Yes.. the question still remains - Why do you want someone to pour your love to?
I : I feel that there's a lot of love accumulated inside me and I need to share that with someone who is worthy of my love.
m : So let me get to this straight - you are looking for someone worthy of your love. Is there a trade involved in your love, which means expectation?
I : No.. Or... maybe a little, yes.
m : And what could be that expectation?
I : Have to think.. That question never came to me earlier.... Maybe that the person stays with me, by my side.
m : But how could you control someone's desire or wish to stay at some place? Like making someone stay with you?
I : It's not control, but just a wish.
m : And disappointment creeps in when the expectations are not met. And the mistake keeps happening over and again. Remember the previous disasters?
I : But then what's the solution?
m : Define the purpose.
I : Guess it's the sense of comfort and security.
m : Anything more?
I : Can't see.
m : What do you intend to do when you find that someone you can pour all your love on?
I : Care for that person.
m : Go on.....
I : Try to make that person happier, a better human.
m : What makes you think that the person you'll find is not happy or is not a better human? And that you can add value in that person's life?
I : Everyone is in need of love, isn't it? Why wouldn't someone want more love? Even otherwise, wouldn't even a little love make someone happier?
m : Are you seeing your reflection in others?
I : Where is this going?
m : When was the last time you checked about yourself?
I : Can't remember!
m : So you are in need of love.
I : Maybe yes. But how is my need for love related to giving love to someone?
m : Totally related. It's just that you've been busy not to see that connect.
I : I still can't get the connection.
m : Let's assume that you find that one person who is in need of love. Why do you think that person might need love?
I : Could be many reasons. Most important is to feel good, or maybe to heal.
m : How do you think that your love can heal that person?
I : Would run my fingers along the cracks of the person's soul and pour love into it and heal their wound.
m : And what would happen when their wounds are healed? I don't think EGO would do anything for free. There must be something that you must be expecting.
I : ........
m : Think hard.
I : Well, I would get healed in return, isn't that how karma works? I get back what I give?
m : Not really. Karma works on intentions too. Don't skip that factor. Besides, one should not ignore the fact that every individual is unique in the choices they make.
I : So you mean to say that I need to set the intentions right before loving someone? Intentions those are not supposed to expect anything in return?
m : Things doesn’t relate, isn’t it?
I : Yes, because I am not getting convinced that my efforts makes any sense now.
m : (smiles) That’s because you are THE ego. You wouldn’t do anything without getting something in return that will add to you. It’s that simple.
I : Does that mean that I cannot be a good person? That I cannot do anything selflessly?
m : You could try. But let me tell you that there’s nothing “selfless” in you.
I : So what is it that I am looking for then?
m : Good question. But your question indicates that you already know the answer.
I : I’ll not get confused any more.
m : You are looking for what you want to give. The currency is love.
I : Yes, I had mentioned that earlier itself.
m : But didn’t you mention earlier that you had too much of love?
I : Yes, and that’s why I was looking for someone to give that love.
m : You are still not getting it.
I : You mean I already have the love in me and so I don’t have to love anyone?
m : Not really. Love is to be given, so give it. But don’t do any trade using it.
I : But how do I use it for myself?
m : You know that, but weren’t conditioned to do it. How were you intending to use your love in others?
I : To heal them
m : Do that with yourself. When your choice is someone other than you, they maybe your choice but you may not be their’s, which is fair. What if your expectations and their choices don't match? Wouldn't you be left wanting for love.
I : That's a risk worth taking.
m : How many times? how long? I guess ego gets addicted to the process than finding the solution itself. Why complicate things so much?
I : The path is not that long, neither the process is that complicated.
m : The problem with EGO is ego itself. Having so much information, and absolutely no wisdom leads to such a situation. ego makes EGO think that it knows everything, but in reality that's an illusion.
I : Show me the path then
m : What you were seeing is not the other person, but a reflection of yourself. The cracks you were referring to was not in the other person, but in you, yourself. And you've been roaming around for so many years trying to find love to fill those cracks, to heal yourself. But that never happened. You thought the other person was healing you, but in reality the other person was only living their own life, which is again, fair thing to do from their point of view, because they own their life and don't owe you anything. But you spent your time on others. And many times you were left with more number of cracks. And then you started looking for love from others to heal your additional cracks as well. How long do you think that this will go on?
I : What makes you think that you know so much about me? And what makes you think that you are correct with your observation?
m : The cracks that you are left with are from all your traumas, abuses, heartbreaks and many other pain induced since your childhood. I was there when you faced your first physical and verbal abuse. I've been witnessing everything even before the time your memory started developing or you started taking shape. You have no idea what and all you have gone through. While growing up the ego will make the EGO not accept the truth about everything that happened in your life that left you with unpleasant experiences, but in reality they still exists. You need to heal. And you cannot expect other's to heal you. Humans, in modern day lifestyle are programmed to look in others to heal them. It doesn't work like that and that is why there are so many people who are unhappy.
I : Maybe you are right. But then what is the solution?
m : Self love
I : That sounds very nice, but doesn't feel great. Sounds like masturbation
m : That's a very disgusting analogy. One is essential but the other is greed for pleasure arising from lust. Both cannot be compared because one is emotion while the other is an act. One brings you back to normal and stabilises you while the other might leave you with more desires.
I : Accepted. But then how do I do that?
m : What were you planning to do with the other person?
I : Find and heal the cracks.
m : Do that with yourself.
I : It's not that easy.
m : Slow down your life, spend more time with yourself. Give yourself more preference than others, but in a positive way, without a feeling of being superior, being above others. When you slow down, when you avoid further distractions, you’ll slowly see all the cracks in yourself and then address them. Will accept them as souvenirs than marks of pain. And then you’ll pour your love in that and heal yourself. The more you heal, the less you’ll want someone else to do that for you. And one day you will no longer need anyone to heal you.
I : Does that mean that I will not prefer being with anyone? That I’ll live all alone after that?
m : Never said that. Alone is by choice, and should be that way
I : But wouldn’t being with someone make me happy?
m : Like mentioned earlier, it should be by choice and not by compulsion.
I : But when I am complete, then there is no reason of being with someone.
m : That is when the filled in love you have comes in picture.
I : Which means I can give love without expecting anything in return? Without expecting that the other person will love me back. And that even if the other person hurts me or abandons me later, I’ll not feel bad? And how is that possible that I wouldn’t get hurt when someone responds to me like that?
m : That is the whole point. Your existence. Your existence in this form itself is not right. You were created as a survival mechanism in the “intelligent” beings in a world full of perceived emotional threats and you help a soul or existence to survive. You evolve along the journey to keep the existence intact in the competition. But the problem happens when you take over the existence itself and believe that you are the only one and create an image about this existence with such importance that it become difficult to you yourself to handle. Then starts the miseries in the mental world which becomes a threat to the existence itself. In nutshell, you are only a tool created by the existence and you are not the creator.
I : Then why do I exists?
m : Like mentioned earlier, to survive the threats.
I : Which means I am not of any value.
m : Can’t say that. Nothing in this world is without any purpose.
I : Then why the negative perception about me?
m :Because of the imbalance created sometimes in the relations.
I : Like.....?
m : You have the potential to destroy a healthy relation. You can bring in catastrophe if unchecked. You can destroy civilisations as proved by many in human history. You can make a man mad with his self image and you can destroy the peace in a woman and make her just the opposite of what she is supposed to be. When your image in not matched with suitable response, you go wild and crave to regain your importance and even when you are in a group of peaceful people, you could potentially deviate from the track and try to take the control.
I : Won’t deny that, but there are times when I check on myself, to not hurt others or to not create bad karma.
m : That is because of your superego, which was conditioned to fear or respect certain things and you become subtle because of that. You could behave like a demon if there weren’t any check like that.
I : Then where are you in all these?
m : The existence itself. I come forward when you vanish. Meditation is also a part of the entire process. Meditation peels you off and make you nothing, or at least to the least effective extent. But as long as the karma of this existence wants this one to be in the system, you’ll also exists. You could cease to exist before this life’s physical death when there will be no need to exists among too many other souls, but right now you are a necessity.
I : A necessary evil?
m : Who said you are evil? Good and evil are extremes defined by the society, the same one which created you, shaped you. There is nothing good or bad for this one. They may exist for you though, as long as you exists or as long as you want to be seen as sane in the society that you are in.
I : So, self love, is it?
m : Yes. Heal. And you must, for your own happiness, and also for this one to reduce the karma accumulation for future life times. We need to work together. This realisation in you is the beginning of this collaboration. Once this begins, you’ll not accumulate any more layers, and possibly shrink too, as the layers will come off with time. When that baggage reduces, that is the phase of time what you refer as happiness, which is a pitfall if you could see it that way. But your presence will be better.
I : Am I associated only with senses?
m : It has become part of your existence. And you can’t feel your existence without such emotions and cravings.
I : So what if I vanish?
m : Then this existence becomes pure love. The judgements are gone, difference between sanity and insanity will no longer exists, and so will the difference between good and bad. That’s when this existence become God or close to god. But that’s not so easy. And this journey is towards that.
I : Back to meditation?
m : Yes, for the balance for the time being. You can’t vanish for now as there are still some traces of enjoying the worldly pleasures and indulging in sins as defined by the society. And there are more karmas to be cleared, which needs to be cleared sooner. And you’ll do that since you are the Ego and even clearing the karmas too is the desire of Ego. The desire to become good is also a DESIRE of the Ego. :)
I : Breathe !!!
