Series of events that led to the Trasition

This is a text that I wrote in 2013, while undergoing one of the most tumultuous phase of my life, after an internal sort of spiritual experience. The phase of my life when everything changed and I came out of the situation as a new individual. Seven years down the line I am a changed individual with a very easy life and living unattached and with hardly any emotions. No longer things stress me and even the stage of observing my rising emotions are over. I see my thoughts and emotions now, starting and stopping as and when I want. I don't call that as self control or mastery over myself, no, I'll be that arrogant or boost my ego with such statement, instead it's totally on the opposite, more like taking up ore important task at hand. I sometimes really wonder how a person changes with certain experiences. I hated some people at that point of time of my life, but now I thank them for pushing me into the situation that triggered me, even though their intentions weren't good. For the good Karmas on my account, I came out a better person.

No part of the text was changed except for a few grammatical corrections. I guess I should regularly revisit old texts to realise the transition. Read on.

Precursor -

December 2012, Igatpuri.

During my first Vipassana 10 days course,
something happened.
An experience that I never could even dream of,
something that changed my life forever.
What followed was a turbulent phase
that went on for almost a year,
ending with my bike ride to Kerala.

Below is one of the piece of text
that I used to write whenever I experienced
sudden unexplained fluctuation within me. 

  

Wed. 9/25/2013

Its very interesting sometimes to observer how our brain and mind works. It definitely seems to be a very complex system, a game that makes us feel that we are being played.

I started writing this due to the 'fluctuation' I feel lately that sometimes scares me if I'll get transformed into some psychopath or psychiatric patient. I am definitely aware of the situation and I observer what is happening around me, however that doesn't help me to control the surge of 'unknown' rush of force that emerges from with in me. Its very strange feeling of losing control.

I know, I've to ease out myself and my emotions as I am very sure it can create havoc if left unchecked. I am also aware that this surge or force, whatever one chooses to call it, can be a very powerful medium to achieve what I want to achieve, if channelised properly.

Let me try to put it in the proper way...
I keep reading political posts or pieces of texts that disturbs me with the situation around me. This kind of makes me imagine doing some thing for the nation that can help me towards contributing something for the development of the nation. One imagination that I get is supporting Modi to become PM thru various services that I can provide for him. I also see myself as an important person in this episode. Then suddenly I realise that I've become very charged up due to my thoughts. I get scared, not with the situations, but this surge of emotional power is something new for me and I feel if I'll react to this situation based on my instincts.

The confusion I face is in not knowing the unknown side of me if I let myself free and let myself loose. The fear literally stops the surge and I feel stuffed up with emotions. Probably, not knowing the consequence of my sudden emotional surge is what's making me confused about my thoughts. It could be that once I let myself loose, the situation may end up with many benefits or it could end up in some drastic stupid actions that I fear the most, like shouting in public or acting insane. But I am sure that I am not insane and I am aware and in total control of whats happening around me. Sanity is not a low priority thing as of now when I am at office or in social circles.

The fear of insanity is to be conquered, even if it needs a lot of time for meditation. Alternatively I guess I should start physical activities to keep myself engaged and also nourish my body with the vital movements. I also believe that procrastination is also one factor that lets one go idle and get the brain working on the other side. Right now I feel if I am moving away from the spiritual side as I am trying to control my movement towards the free world.

All that I am not sure is if it's worth to really let myself lose, when I know it could be insanity that is the result of my thoughts. I should stop getting involved in politics, negative thoughts and such things. There is also one more factor that comes to my mind. I remember watching one video of Sadhguru where he says the line between sanity and insanity is a very fine one. For example, we get angry and we go the the insane side and we get normal and then return to the sane side. Once this become a regular habit, we tend to lose the control we have over this switching from sanity to insanity and vice versa. This results in a situation when the person doing this stays on the insanity end, thereby requiring help for such condition. And he said, that's when the person is branded as sick and would need help. I sometimes feel like comparing my situation with that. The anger surge that I feel actually builds up so much that it pushes me to insanity and then I become aware and switch back to sanity. I am still attached to my son and I feel like I don't want to lose him by being insane. I am also not attached to anything or any person as such and sometimes feel detactched from all relations, but I feel my relation with him will keep my sane. Writing all these makes me feel that things are very complicated or are they very simple and it's just that I am not able to see the real picture?

Probably, the growth over the years in the urban world has also done its part in shaping my psychology. The typical life style of newspaper, TV and the gadgets has made me 'one' of those urban weak creature. Is it that I am moving back to my earlier state of mind, the freer, unbound spirit and simple state of mind, probably the one I was before I got into the complicated and chaotic urban world. I hope this is a journey backward in time to my real world, the peaceful world where time and love are what matters the most.

Or probably I can use this situation to my benefit. I can use it to selectively channelise my energy to those fields that I love the most, probably cooking, reading, gardening, aquarium, travel etc etc.

And probably its no big deal since almost everyone goes thru such situations and one has to observe the changes happening with themself.

One reason I identify is that self image that's making me imagine too many complex and high roles for myself. These may be practical but I need to understand what good does it do for me and the surrounding. It just stays as imagination, there's this surge of force/power and then it subsides, fades away irrespective of the fact that I stop it or not. I normally put a stop to it when it surges too much, when I become aware and probably a little scared. Right now, as I write this, I have got back to my normal self and there are no confusions at the moment. I get a lot of thoughts those are influenced by one of my friend, who took me to Vipassana and had discussed a lot about spirituality. I am no longer a friend with the individual, but many spiritual things that the person shared/told me are also probably creating some situation of its kind. I need to understand if these changes that are happening are because of the influences of the information the person gave me, and if yes, then am I going to a greater path or a self destructive path. I am still attached to the world and hence going to the destructive path wouldn't be a good choice for me. Still thinking.